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Saturday, January 27, 2007

A bicycle can't stand alone....

Let me share with you some bicycle-related humor that I've received recently from various e-mail sources.

The first comes from a cycling friend, Tracy, who shared a list of puns. Some of them are rather punishing, including this one:
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
The second recently was sent to members of the St. Louis Regional Bicycle Federation's mailing list:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The final one comes from a long-time Cursillo friend, Milt. Here goes:
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday," one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"
I invite you to share your bicycling humor in the comments below. All that I ask is that you keep it reasonably clean!

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Roger 2 comments links to this post 12:59 PM

Ha ha ha! Nice ones :-)
Subject:Bicycle Ride Definitions

I received these definitions and thought they were hilarious.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer than coalition negotiations. Be
careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You
have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"This is a no-drop ride" Translation: I'll need an article of your
clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far" Translation: Bring your passport.

"I rode this morning, I just hope I have something left"
Translation: "That was just a warm up for an hour before I kicking
the crap out of whoever shows up. Perhaps you can stay on my wheel
after I've lapped you all a few times. You and the rest of this 35+
field are hors d'oeuvres, mere appetizers, yummy little nuggets that
are crunchy and good with ketchup."

"I do a little bit of light weights during the winter, just to keep a
bit of leg strength." Translation: "I bench press twice my weight. I
can crush a walnut in my buttcrack. I can leg press an Escalade. Half
the Mercy development team is still lost in the rips between my

"It'll be a little warm." Translation: "The mercury on the regular
thermometer just boiled over, so they've switched to an oven model.
The pool water is now in triple digits and I'm positive I saw a dude
frying eggs on his saddle. Fill your water bottles with dry ice.
The ride only slows long enough to spray water on riders who pass out
due to heat stroke."

One of my friends who just started riding is coming along today
Translation- This guy is a natural. He ran a sub 4 mile. We rode
together all winter long and he's a monster. I still have him conned
into thinking I am stronger than him and have coached him on how to
work for me. Together we will make this harder than any race you do
this year.

"I'm feelin kinda groggy this morning" My resting heart rate sends
bloodmobile nurses diving for the defibrillator. I'll be warmed up
when we hit Plum hill, though, and by the time you clear the bottom,
I'll be long gone past the top.

We'll just roll at an "easy" pace You may get half a sentence out
before you find yourself struggling to keep up with my time-trial
pace, and the only conversation that will be going on is between your
wheezing lungs and inner monologue wishing you had stayed in bed.
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